

9 ■ 






LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, 

VET^SS 

. ©npttrinW Ito. 



UNITED STATES OF AMEEICA, 



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f. £ r 



A SOCIETY FAD. 



FARCE-COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



+ 




/bos/ 



BY 



JOHN G. WILSON. 



s 






COPYRIGHT, 1892, 
BY JOHN H. RUSSELL, 



PRESS OF STRAUSS & KLEE, NEW YORK. 



CHARACTERS 



JOB MATCH BANG, an Aristocratic American. 

HAMILTON JEFFERSON, an Everyday American. 

HICKORY JACKSON, a Colored American. 

ALECK McDUFFER, an American Detective. 

DAN SCULLY, McDuffer's Assistant. 

LORD FRANCIS FARANDOLE, an Aristocratic Englishman. 

WIGGINS, an English Valet. 

MARIA MATCHBANG, Job's Wife. 

MARGARET, Job's Daughter. 

VESTALIA, Job's Niece. 

BELLA, 



jjOB'! 



's Guests. 
LUELLA, 

NANETTE, a French Maid. 



Scene — Country House near New York. 



Time — Summer. 



A SOCIETY FAD. 



ACT I. 



Scene. — Room in the house of Job Matchbang; elegantly furnished in lux- 
urious modern style. Doors, or doorways with portieres, R. 2. and 
L. U. Piano at back. Table a?id chairs L. F. Sofa R. 

Discovered Matchbang in dressing-gown, seated at table L., open- 
ing and reading letters. Mrs. Matchbang on lounge R., with fancy 
work. Margaret seated at piano, touching the keys and humming a 
song. 

Match. 
Ah, Maria, listen to this ! 

Mrs. M. 
{Snappishly.) Well, Job, what is it ? 

Match. 
It's from the London Herald's College. 

Mrs. M. 
Herald ! What have you got to do with a newspaper ? 

Match. 
Maria, you don't pay proper attention. I said the London Herald's 
College. 

Marg. 
Is it a college for boys, papa ? 

Match. 
Fshaw! Nonsense! If you'll listen you'll understand. {Reads 
I. tier.) " Sir: After careful search we have discovered an undoubted 
connection between the American family of Matchbang and the noble 
house ot Majoribanks." {Matchbang pronounces as spelt). 

Mrs. M. 
I don't see the similarity. 



Match. 
Stuff and nonsense ! Almost identical ! {Continues reading?) " The 
founder of the family was Sir Guy de Michibunco." 

Mrs. M. 
" Michi " what ? 

Match. 
" Bunco," madame, " bunco." {Continues reading?) " The name 
became softened to Majoribanks, which is pronounced Marchbanks." 

Mrs. M. 
You didn't know that, Job. 

Match. 
I did, Maria. 

Mrs. M. 
You didn't. 

Match. 

Will you let me go on ? {Continues reading?) " In America the 
name became still further modified to Matchbang. You are therefore 
entitled to bear the full new-world arms of the family." 

Mrs. M. 
The impudence ! Margaret and you may bare your arms if you 
like, but I shall do nothing of the sort. 

Match. 
{Continues reading.) " The motto of the family is ' Salve Lardem,' 
which may be freely interpreted, f Save your bacon.' " 

Mrs. M. 
Some sense in that. 

Match. 

So you see we are noble ! I knew it ! I knew it ! Now we can 
meet Lord Francis Farandole on equal terms. {Vestalia heard singing 
without R.) There's Vestalia singing again. Tell her to stop it ! 1 
won't stand it ! 

Mrs. M. 

She shall sing as much as she likes. 

Match. 
She shan't ! 

Mrs. M. 
She shall ! 

[Enter Vestalia, R. 2., singing as if just finishing a stanza. 
Matchbang starts angrily. She represses him with a 
gesture signifying " Dout interrupt" and resumes song.] 



Song — Vest a li a. 
O, we care not for money, 

We care not for rank, 
We are fond of the funny, 

We're faithful and frank ; 
We have no use for earls, 

Though our own boys we tease, 
We're American girls, 

If you please. 

Gallant manhood is royal, 

Right noble is toil, 
To the workers we're loyal, 

The sons of the soil ; 
We have no use for earls, 

Though our own boys we tease, 
We're American girls, 

If you please. 

[f/estalia runs to MatcJibang, flings her arm about his neck 
and kisses him vigorously.'] 
Vest. 
Good morning, Uncle Job ! You were so late at breakfast that I 
skipped out before you came down. 

Match. 
Don't be so boisterous, Vestalia, and avoid slang. You are my 
sister's orphan and noble blood flows in your veins. 

Vest. 
You don't say ! 

Match. 
I do say. We are descended from the Michibuncos or March- 
banks. {Enter Hickory, L. U., with telegram.'] 

Well, Hickory, what's that ? 

Hick. 
Teleg'm, Marse Job. [Handing telegram to Matchbang.] 

Match. 
(Reading telegram.) All right. No answer. 

[Exit Hickory, L.] 

(In great excitement.) The Columbia arrived at her dock at 
eight o'clock. Lord Francis may be here at any moment. Now, 
Margaret, I've great news for you. I mean vou to marry Lord 
Francis, our noble guest. 

Marc, 

O, papa! 



4 

Vest. 
Well, I never ! 

Mrs. M. 
What do you mean, Job ? 

Match. 
Just what I say, Maria. 

Mrs. M. 
O, indeed, Mr. Matchbang. You'd marry your daughter without 
consulting me, would you ? Just understand that I propose to have 
something to say in the matter. Perhaps you think I'm a cipher in 
this house, sir ! A nice state of affairs ! Importing a nobleman to 
marry your daughter, and never consulting me ! O, I'll see about it ! 

Match. 

But, Maria 

Mrs. M. 
Don't speak to me, Mr. Matchbang ! I won't hear another word ! 
You've set my poor nerves on edge already. But just remember that 
you've got to reckon with me, Mr. Matchbang, with me ! 

[She flounces out angrily, R. 2.~\ 
Match. 
For heaven's sake, Margaret, go and quiet your mother down, or 
she'll make a scene when his lordship comes. And, Vestalia, you 
must acquaint our guests, your young friends, with the great news. 
I'm afraid their American behavior may be a little too rough for a 
nobleman. 

Vest. 
Well, I declare ! 

Match. 

You too, Vestalia, tone yourself down ; tone yourself down. 

Vest. 
Goodness gracious, Uncle ! What's the matter with me ? 

Marg. 
(At R. 2.) Come along, Vestalia ! 

[Exeunt Margaret and Vestalia, R. 2.] 
Match. 
At last my fondest hopes are realized. I am noble — and a real no- 
bleman shall be my son-in-law. 

[Enter Hickory, L. U., with card on tray.] 
Match. 
(Taking card.) Aleck McDuffer? Who is he? 

Hick. 
Doan know, sah. Says he mus' see yo\ Sumfin 'bout some fur- 
riners a-com'n' to de house, 



Match. 
Foreigners? Ah, I dare say it's a reporter who wants to inter- 
view his lordship. {To Hickory.) Show him in by all means. 

[Exit Hickory L. £/.] 
He can have a little preparative interview with me. But, dear me, 
{looking at dressing gown\ I can't see him in this. I must put my coat 
on. [Exits hurriedly R. 2. as enter Hickory and McDuffer L. £/".] 

McD. 
Well, Sambo, where's your master? 

Hick. 
Sah, my name's not Sambo. My name 's Jackson, sah — Mistah 
Jackson, sah. 

McD. 
Glad to make your acquaintance. Regular old Hickory, eh? 

Hick. 
Geminy ! how'd yo' guess dat? 

McD. 
Instinct — instinct ! My wonderful instinct ! 

[Here follows business between Hickory and McDuffer, at 
conclusion of which enter Matchbang, R.2., with McDuffer' s 
card in his hand. He has changed his dressing gown for 
coat.] 

Match. 
{Looking at card.) Ah !— yes — Mr. McDuffer, 1 suppose ? 

McD. 
You've hit it, sir. Aleck McDuffer. You've heard of me, I dare 
say. 

Match. 
Can't say that I have, sir. From some newspaper, I suppose? 

McD. 
Newspaper ? No. 

Match. 
Then you're not a reporter ? 

McD. 
Reporter ? Not much. 

Match. 
Then what the devil is your business with me ? Be quick, for I've 

no time to spare. 

McD. 
1 haven't very much to spare myself. I'm a detective from the 
Central Office, Mulberry Street. 

Match. 
What ! A detective ? 



Hick. 
A reg'lar out'n'out police defective ? 

McD. 
You've hit it. 

[Hickory exhibits great interest in Mc Duffer, as if he were 

some curious .animal.'] 

Match. 
And what on earth do you want with me ? 

McD. 
Suppose we sit down and talk it over. 

[Sitting.] 
No objection, eh ? 

Match. 

Upon my word, sir 

McD. 
Sit down, sir ; sit down. 

[Matchbang angrily flings himself into a chair.] 
Here is the case in a nutshell. The Detective Office at Scotland 
Yard, London, has cabled to our inspector to keep watch on the 

Columbia. 

Match. 
The Columbia? 

McD. 
You've hit it. To keep watch for two escaped criminals. The 
valet of Lord Boodle, name of Smithers, and a cracksman, that means 
burglar, name of Jiggers. They're wanted for the robbery of the 
Boodle diamonds and a lot of flimsies, that means bank notes. Do 
you see ? 

Match. 
I don't see what on earth it has to do with me. 

McD. 

You haven't hit it. 

Match. 
Sir! 

McD. 
You have'nt hit it. A full description of the flash coveys was 
cabled, too. Would you like to hear it ? 

Match. 
Upon my word. 

McD. 
You shall. It may be a breach of confidence, but you look honest. 

Match. 
Sir? 



McD. 

(), I know you've hit it. It's a rule in my business never to trust 
appearances, but I'll go this much on you. Listen: 

\Hc reach a description of two men exactly corresponding to 
the appearance of Farandole and Wiggins as they will be 
made up and dressed. J 
I've got plenty of other details coming by mail. 

Match. 
Well, sir, what has this to do with me ? 

McD. 
Ha! You haven't followed the clue. I'm not surprised. It takes 
years of practice to follow a clue. 

Match. 
D n it, sir ! What do you mean ? 

McD. 
Don't get excited. Don't get excited. Prepare for a shock. O, 
you'll get over it. I often have to prepare people for shocks. 

Match. 
You'll get shocked out of this house in about a minute and a half. 

McD. 
You've hit it. I shall. But I shall be both shock-er and shock-ee. 

[Mat chbang jumps to his feet.'] 
Keep cool — keep cool. I've just come from the Columbia. I've 
spotted my brace of pigeons. And — sit down, sir, sit down, sir — take 
it sitting. 

\ Mat chbang sits, thumping the table with his fist. \ 
They're coming to your house. 

Match. 

Good heavens ! 

McD. 

Take it. cool, sir ; take it cool. 

Match. 

Take it cool, indeed ! A couple of criminals coming to my house — 

English criminals — why, man, they must have heard of my wealth in 

some aristocratic mansion they have victimized. They intend to 

burglarize me ! Great heavens ! are they armed? Have you a force 

outside? O dear, O dear! And his lordship liable to be here any 

minute ! 

Hick. 

Marse Matchbang, are dey de kin' o' white men da1 eats cullud 

pussons ? 



8 

McD. 
Bless your soul, sir. That ain't the way it's done. They're trav 
eling as first-class swells. Jiggers calls himself Lord Francis 
Farandole, and the other fellow is his precious valet. They mean to 
do worse than burglarize you. 

Match. 

What? How do you know? 

McD. 
I spotted 'em as they came on the dock, loaded down with baggage, 
two regular first-class swells. They called a cab and gave your ad- 
dress. I hurried before them to warn you. 

Match. 
Why — you — you infernal ass — you've seen the real nobleman and 

mistaken him for your burglar. 

McD. 

Perhaps you've hit it. If I'd been dead sure I'd have arrested 
'em on the spot. I want you to arrange so that I can see them closer, 
and keep my eye on 'em till I get my mail advices. 

Match. 
Confound your impudence, sir. Don't you suppose I can tell a 
real lord when I meet one ? I'll let you know if he is an impostor. 
Bah! what nonsense! Get out of my house. 

McD. 
Now, look here, Mr. Matchbang, I'm trying to do the square thing 
by you and save you trouble. I've got a clew, and I'm a going to 
follow it up. If you won't help me, I'll arrest 'em the minute they 
get here. 

Match. 
Arrest — arrest! Arrest Lord Francis Farandole in my house? 

McD. 
You've hit it. 

Match. 
Why, I could never recover from such a disgrace. What would 
he think of me? And what would the Cribbses — and the Van Snor- 

kinses Oh, you — you — infernal meddler — you 

McD. 
Now, what's the use of getting mad? I'll do the square thing. 
You just let me come to your house in mufti — do you twig? That 
means plain clothes — come to one of your receptions, I'll act the gen- 
tleman, and there wont be much acting about it, neither. Or, better 
still, I'll act the professional — come to help you entertain — see ? Per- 
haps you think I can't sing? Well, I'll disabuse you of that in a jiffy. 
Just hear me. 



Song — McD. 

THE MODERN DETECTIVE. 

A detective is a man 

With a tale that's not yet told, 
He is not built on the plan 

We're familiar with of old. 
There's the Hawkshaw of the stage 

Who detects to music slow, 
And the heroes, all the rage, 

Of Emile Gaboriau. 
But the party genu-ine 

Is a fellow more like me, 
He may chance to draw it fine, 

Or he may be all at sea. 
But he has a massive nerve, 
And the thing the French call verve. 
If he fails to find a clew, 
He can make him one — or two. 
Crimes that shock and startle you 
Are his source of revenue, 
Burglary to him is rapture 
If he can the burglar capture ; 
And he mingles real enjoyment 
With congenial employment, 
When a fine case of divorce 
Is turned over to the force. 
I repeat he is a man 

With a tale that's not yet told, 
Built upon a different plan 

From the legends worn and old. 
What do you think of that, eh? 

Match. 
Positively disgusting. 

Hick. (Aside.) 
Kin do better'n dat mysef. 

McD. 
Oh, I know other songs. Shall I do a sentimental turn? 

Match. 
Certainly not. 

Hick. (Aside.) 
One of his songs enuf at a time. Dar's limits to d' endurance 
even of a cullud pusson. 



IO 

Match. 
Come, come, to the point. What do you want ? 

McD. 
Just what I said. Let me visit at your house and investigate. 
If I'm right, I'll grab 'em quiet like. If I'm wrong, I'll skedaddle. 

Match. 

Why, d — n it, sir, do you mean to force your company on me like 

that? 

McD. 

Or arrest 'em on sight. See ? 

[Takes Jiandcuffs from his pocket and dangles them.] 

Arrested on suspicion at Match bang's. 

Match. 
O, devil take it! Well, sir, if I must I must. You shall come to 
my house, but I'll have you dismissed from the force when your 
absurd suspicions are proven to be wrong. 

McD. 
Very good. No need of that, though. Between you and me, if 
I'm wrong I go anyhow. Several of my clews, beautiful clews, too, 
have failed lately. No fault of mine, I assure you. 

Match. 
O, indeed ! 

McD. 

And it is intimated to me that I must succeed in this case or 
mizzle. That means go. So you see it's an affair of honor with me 
to pursue this clew. 

Match. 
O, clews be d — d. 

McD. 

You've hit it. But I shall stick to this one like a leech. I'll have 
to have the house watched. ( To Hickory?) Julius Caesar, you just look 
out on the front steps. You'll see a party loafing around there. Bring 
him in. [Exit Hickory, L. £/.] 

He's my assistant. Not much on headwork ; that's my department. 
But he's a bull-dog of a watcher. Never lets go. 

Match. 

Confound it, sir 

[Enter Hickory and Dan Scully, L. U. Dan is smoking a 
cigar.] 



II 

McD. 
Ah, here he is. Mr. Matchbang, Mr. Daniel Scully — known to the 
profession as Black Dan. 

Dan. 

{Grasping Matchbang* s hand.) How are you? Say, you're well 
fixed. Nice quarters, these. [Taking a cigar from pocket and tendering 
it to him.) Have a smoke ? 

Match. 

Stop smoking in this room, sir. Don't you know better ? 

Dan. 

(Removing cigar from his month.) Don't like it? 1 catch on. No 
use getting mad. {To McDujfcr.) What's the lay? 

McD. 

{To Matchbang.) Dan will hang around the house quiet-like. He'll 
be on the trail. ^Whenever he shows up don't you take any notice of 

him. He's reliable. 

Dan. 
Bet yer life ! 

McD. 

That's all for the present. I will go and watch for Jiggers and his 
pal. Come along, Dan. {To Matchbang.) Au revoir. 

Dan. 

{Admiringly of Mc Duffer.) Great head ! Byrnes aint in it with him. 
[Exeunt McDuffer and Dan L. U. Dan replaces cigar hi his 
mouth as he exits.'] 

Hick. 
{Following them.) I'll see'm out'n de house. Dese yah real modden 

defectives mus' be kep' in sight. [Exit L. [7.~] 

Match. 
Here's a pretty kettle of fish ! Here's a nice state of affairs ! Vul- 
gar detectives forced on my society ! 

[Enter Vestalia, Margaret, Bella and Luella, R. 2.] 

Marg. 
O, has he come, papa ? 

Match. 
No. 

Bella. 

What must we call him, Mr. Matchbang ? 

Lu. 
Must we curtsy or shake hands ? 

Bella. 
Do noblemen dine in their robes, sir ? 



12 

Vest. 
And their crests, Uncle Job ? 

Match. 
Don't be silly, girls. This is a serious matter, and I need your as- 
sistance. Lord Francis' visit must be made pleasant. You must all 
do your best, I shall give a grand entertainment — a social affair. You 
girls must think of something original — something amusing. 

Vest. 
Girls, we'll talk it over. 

Match. 
Do, my dears, do. {Enter Nanette, R. 2.] 

Nan. 
(To Matchbang.) Madame would see M'sieu on ze instant. 

Match. 
What's the matter, Nanette ? 

Nan. 
Madame complain of ze grand headache. She would to bed go. 

Match. 
To bed? Impossible! 1 must see her at once. As if I hadn't 
enough on my mind, thanks to that McDuffer. {Exit R. 2.] 

Marg. 
What did he say, dear? 

Vest. 
Something about a duffer, I think. 

Bella. 
O, girls, perhaps Nanette can tell us something about noblemen ! 

Marg. 
Can you, Nanette? 

Nan. 
O, Ma'm'selle, did not Madame, your mamma, take me from ze 

house of an Ingleese mylord? 

Lu. 
How do they act, Nanette? Lords, 1 mean. 

Nan. 
(), Ma'm'selle, like all ze ozzaire men, but more so — zey are so 
idle. Zey eat, oh, much ! Zey hunt ze fox. And as for la coquetterie, 
vat you call ze flirting, oh, ma vie ! 

Bella. 
Are they such awful flirts ? 

Nan. 
O, Ma'm'selle, enormement ! Vit ze ladies, ze maids — O ! 

Lu. 
Did any of them ever try to flirt with you, Nanette. 



i3 

Nan. 
But vy not ? 

Bella. 
What did you do? 

Nan. 

O, Ma'm'selle, I know my place. I laugh at zem, I keep zem at ze 
long arm, I shake ze head, I sing ze song, like dis : 
[Nanette sings a gay little French song.'] 
O, Ma'm'selles, I must to ze Madame, who 'ave ze grand headache. 

[Exit Nanette, R. 2.] 
Lu. 
I don't see that we've learned much from Nanette. 

Vest. 
Never mind, girls ; you shall have his lordship all to yourselves 
when he comes. 1 don't want him and I know Margaret doesn't. 

Marg. 
Indeed not. Think of it ! Papa wants to marry me to him. 

Bella. 
0, Margaret, you don't mean to say you'll refuse him ? 

Lu. 
Wouldn't I just jump at such a chance. (To Margaret.) You 
wouldn't be offended, dear, if we tried? 

Marg. 
Tried what ? 

Bella. 

To capture his lordship, of course. 

Marg. 
I'd be oelighted if you would. 

Lu. 
Bella, from this moment I'm your rival. 

Bella. 
I accept the challenge, dear, on one condition. If you win I'm to 
be your guest in Europe for as long as I like. 

Lu. 

And if you win shall I be yours ? 

Bella. 
That's understood^ of course. O, what fun ! 

I [Enter Hamilton, L. [/.] 

Hamil. 
Ah, ladies, a very gWl morning to you. 

Marg. 
O, Hamilton, such nWs ! 



14 

Vest. 
We are expecting Lord Francis Farandole. 

Hamil. 
What ! A live lord ? 

Vest. 

And what do you suppose uncle is bringing him here for? It's to 

marry him to Margaret. 

Hamil. 
To Miss Matchbang ? 

Vest. 
Yes. 

Hamil. 

Oh, say now, you're joking. 

Vest. 

No, sir. It's the downright solemn truth. 

Hamil. 
{Looking at Marg.) And what does Miss Margaret say ? 

Marg. 
(Mischievously.) Honor thy father and thy mother 

Vest. 
That thy days may be long in — England. 

Hamil. 
(Downcast.) Well — perhaps I'd better go. 

Vest. 
(Mock-heroically?) Look at me, children. Do I come from Kansas 
for nothing ? I don't understand your Eastern ways. Girls, this is 
no time for concealment, and I'm going to speak right out. Hamil- 
ton Jefferson, if you'd lived West you'd have told Margaret long ago 
that you loved her. 

Hamil. 
(Eagerly.) Is it too late to tell her now ? 

Vest. 
It's never too late to — pop. Margaret, give him your hand. 

(Hamilton seizes Margaret 's hand.) 
Bless you, my infants, bless you ! 

Hamil. 
Well, if this is the case, Margaret, we will defy all the nobility. 

Marg. 

(), but my father 

Hamil. 
I have an idea ! (To Vest.) Quite a Western one, too. (To Marg.) 
Let us go out and be married. 



i5 

Marg. 
O, Hamilton. 

Hamil. 
Why not ? 

Marg. 

No ; I can never so abuse my father's confidence. He loves me, 
Hamilton, and he means all for my good. 

Hamil. 
But you surely won't let him marry you to this lord ? 

Vest. 
O, you booby ! Let her alone. I will take charge of Lord 

Francis. 

Hamil. 
You? 

Vest. 
Yes. Rest easy, babies ; your Western cousin will watch over 

you. 

Hamil. 
But I don't understand. 

All the Girls. 
It isn't necessary that you should. 

Vest. 
Leave all to me. Now another matter. We're going to get up 
something original to entertain his lordship. You must help. 

Hamil. 
Something original ? 

All the Girls. 
Yes. 

Vest. 
At a grand party, you know. 

Hamil. 
I'll think it over. You young ladies, of course, can sing ? 

Vest. 
O, girls, sing that trio you were practicing. 
Marg., Bella and Lu. 
(), we're not perfect in it. ! 

Vest. 

Nevermind. Sing it. Do, dears ! Won't you, Margaret. 

Marg. 
If Bella and Luella will. 

Vest. 
And you, Bella ? 

Bella. 
If Margaret and Luella will. 

Vest. 
And you, Luella ? 



i6 

Lu. 
If Margaret and Bella will. 

Vest. 
That settles it. 



Trio — Margaret, Bella and Luella. 
There are people melancholy, 

You may find them by the score, 
Who deem merriment but folly 

And the most of life a bore. 
We know better — come, adore us ! 
Love and Joy are singing for us ! 
Hear the happy, happy chorus — 
" Margaret, Bella 
And Luella ! " 

Sweetest melody is laughter, 

Fun and Fancy truest truth, 
Mirth and Humor follow after 

With their gift of endless youth. 
We are waiting — come, adore us ! 
Love and Joy are singing for us ! 
Hear the happy, happy chorus — 
" Margaret, Bella 
And Luella!" 



Why, that's charming ! 



Hamil. 



Vest. 

Isn't it ? [Enter Matchbang, R. 2.] 

Match. 

(To Hamilton?) Ah, my boy, glad to see you. Stay and meet my 
guest, Lord Francis Farandole. \B ell rings violently ?[ 

Hark ! hark ! It must be he ! 

{Enter L. U. Hickory, followed by Wiggins, who is loaded 
down zvith valises, shawls, sticks, etc. MatcJibang rushes 
to him, seizes him. The baggage drops on the floor. 
Ma tehbang grips his hand, stares at him.] 

Match. 
Yes, yes ; I could never have mistaken you. I can see in your 
features a striking resemblance to my noble host, your illustrious 
uncle. I should have known you had I met you on the top of Pike's 

Peak, or in the oasis of a desert. 

Wig. 
'Ere's a rum go. 



i7 

Match. 
And your voice ! My noble friend speaks to me again ! 

Wig. 
Hi must say, beggin' your parding, 'ere's a rum go. 

Match. 
Yes, yes ; the old, delightful phrases. " A rum go." Very good, 

indeed. But permit me my emotion overcame me. I am Mr. 

Matchbunco — no, no, Mr. Matchbang. 

\ Enter Mrs. Matclibang, R. 2., followed by Nanette ; and enter 
Farandole, L. U., unperceived by the others, ivlio are busy 
zvith Wiggins J\ 
Ah, here's my wife. {Leads Wiggins to her.) My dear, this is he! 
[Mrs. Matchbang stretches out her hand. Wiggins goes off 
into acrobatic co)itortions to everyone* s intense astonisliment. 
He recovers himself, and mechanically grasps Mrs. Match- 
bang's ha?id.~\ 
This is my daughter, Margaret — ( Wiggins drops Mrs. Matchbang 's 
hand) — and my niece, Vestalia. These are Bella and Luella. My 
young friend, Hamilton Jefferson. 

[At the mention of each name Wiggins contorts grotesquely. 
Matchbang again seizes his hand and shakes it vigorously^ 
Such joy ! Such joy ! 

Wig. 

Well, blow me, but this is hextrahordinary ! 

Match. 
My noble friend ? 

Wig. 

I'm sure as 'ow there's somethink wrong. 

[Vest alia catches sight of Farandole, zvlio is contemplating the 
scene through his eyeglass, she falls on the sofa in an un- 
controllable burst of laughter. Farandole comes placidly 
down F.] 

Far. 

Twifling erwor, I fear — Quite natuwal, no doubt. 

Match. 

Why, why 

Far. 

I'm Fwancis Fawondole, you see. 

Match. 

And this ? {Pointing to Wiggins.) 



i8 

Far. 
Is my valet. 

Match. 
{Aside.) O, horror ! O, for someone to kick me ! {To Farandole.) 
Can I ever sufficiently apologize ? 

Far. 

Don't twy. Saved me lots of twouble. Know all your charming- 
family without the bore of intwoduction. Given Miss Vestalia a jolly 
good laugh. 

[ Vestalia goes off again into a peal of laughter. The other 
girls, after a vain effort of restraint, join her. Hickory 
breaks into a smothered guff azv.~] 

Match. 
{Sternly.) Vestalia ! 

Vest. 
O, it's too funny. 

Far. 

I'm weally delighted. Makes a fellow feel quite at home, you 
know. But I must apologize for Wiggins. Wiggins is peculiar. 
Wiggins was in a circus once. When his emotions are awoused old 
habits assert themselves, and Wiggins acwobats. You noticed it, 
perhaps. 

All the Girls. 

Yes, we did. 

Far. 
Thought you might have. Do I put it corwectly, Wiggins? 

Wig. 
Quite so, my lud. Hi begs heverybody's parding. It hisn't that 
I wants to. In fact, I 'ates it. 

Far. 

That'll do, Wiggins. Pick up the twaps. 

Match. 
Hickory, assist him and take charge of him. 

Hick. 
W'at '11 I do ef he's tuk dat way wen we're all alone ? 

Far. 
Don't awouse his emotions. 



19 

Hick. 
(To himself .) 'Rouse his 'motions? No fear ob dat. Doan' like 
his 'motions. Skeered ob his 'motions. 

[He joins Wiggins fearfully, assisting him awkwardly to 
pick up the things.'] 

Far. 
Should have pweceded Wiggins, but met a fellow at the door. 
Quite a nice fellow. Wote about me in a little book. Vewy polite. 

Match. 
(Aside.) It's that confounded Mc Duffer. 

Far. 
Wanted to know all about me. Took an intewest in Wiggins, too. 
Vewy pleasant. 

[Enter McDuffer rapidly, L. [/., followed by Dan.] 

McD. 
(To Farandole) May I put a few more questions which 1 forgot 

to ask? 

Far. 
Certainly. 

Match. 

(Excitedly) Not a word, my lord, not another word to that villain ! 

McD. 

(To Matchbang.) Careful, my friend. 

Match. 
Get out of my house ! 

McD. 

With him ? (Pointing to Farandole.) 

Match. 
Out of my house, I say ! 

McD. 
Old fellow, are you crazy? 

Far. 

Pardon me. Does the person intwude? 

Match. 
Yes, yes, my lord. O, if you knew ! 

Far. 
Permit me. (To McDuffer) The gentleman wants you to go, you 
know, and as I am wesponsible for your pwesence — 

McD. 
Well, if 1 go you go with me, that's sure. 



20 

Dan. 

Dead sure ! {Of Mc Duffer.) O, he's a daisy ! 

Far. 
Surpwising! Quite Amewican, I suppose. {To McDuffer.) I 
won't go with you, but I'll give you a lift, you see. 

[Farandole catches Mc Differ by the neck and breeches and 
ejects him L, U. Dan, with a comprehensive glance, 
immediately exits L. U. Farandole turns to company, ivho 
are in attitudes of surprise.'] 
The Oxford twist ! 



[CURTAIN.] 



ACT II 



Scene — Drawing room in Mr. Matchbangs house. Double doorway in flat 
C. Doors R. 2. and L. 2. Piano L. U. Richly furnished, but so 
arranged that centre of stage is clear for business of the dance at 
cud of act. 

T I M E. — E% 'c/iing. A II characters in full dress throughout act. 

[Discovered Hickory lighting the gas.} 

Hick. 
Queeah t'ings go'n on in dis yah house. See'd dat police defective 
jes now talk'n to de cook in der airy-a. Reck'n cook better be keer- 
tul. Marse Job done swar me to tell nobody 'bout de defective. 
Pow'ful queeah. [Enter Wiggins, L. 2.] 

Hello, dar ! (Backing from him.) Is yo' quite peac'ble ? 

Wig. 
My master sent me to find your master. 

Hick. 
Yo' massah sen' yo' to fin' my massah ? 

Wig. 
Hexactly. 

Hick. 
Dat so ? Well, my massah's busy get-tin' on his swallertailers — 

guess yo' hab to wait 'm while. 

Wig. 
'Ickory, I'll wait. 

Hick. 

Nuffin' li'ble to rouse yo' 'motions round heah, is dah ? 

Wig. 
Nothink, 'Ickory. I'm in a state of habsolute quiet. 

Hick. 
(Going up C.) Well, yo'd bettah stay dat way. Golly ! w'at a show 
yo' mus' ab been w'en yo' wuz in de cirkiss. Bymeby ! 

[Exit C] 
Wig. 
'E larfs at me. The hold story. They paid their shillin's once to 
larf at me. I've halways been larfed at. I'm tired of it. I yearns for 
some happreciative soul. 

[Enter Nanette, R. 2.] 



22 

Nan. 
O, M'sieu Viggins ! 

Wig. 
Good hevenin', Miss Nanette. 

Nan. 
I make intrusion. I fly me away. 



[As if going."] 



Wig. 
No, don't go. Let's 'ave a cosey chat. 

Nan. 
M'sieu make fun of me. 

Wig. 
No, no, Nanette, far from it. Do I look like a fellow wot makes 
fun of hanybody ? 

Nan. 
Ah, vraiment! You haf ze grand air melancholy. 

Wig. 
I knows it. But I can be merry if I'm given 'arf a chance. Won't 
you give me 'arf a chance, Nanette ? 

Nan. 
O, Viggins ! Vat is it you mean ? I give you chance ? But how ? 

Wig. 
'Ark to my plea, and I will smile. 

Nan. 
But I no vant you smile. 

Wig. 
You crushes me. 

Nan. 
Ah, no ; you understand not. It is ze grand air melancholy I 
admire. 

Wig. 
Then I'll look wus than hever. {Strikes an intensely gloomy attitude.) 

Nan. 
Ah, magnifique ! Vas it so you looked in ze circus ? 

Wig. 
No, Nanette. In the circus it was more in this style. {Strikes an 

intensely grotesque attitude.) 

Nan. 
() e'est beau ! Ze circus ! (Gives following lines, with illustrative 
action:) Ze drums, boom! boom! Ze whips, crack! crack! Ze 
horses flying ! ze riders leaping ! ze people shouting, " Vive le Vig- 
gins ! Vive le Viggins ! " Eh, n'est-ce-pas ? 



23 

Wig. 
{Enraptured) 'Evingly girl, be mine ! 

Nan. 
O, M'sieu, I no mean dat. 

Wig. 
But I means it — I means it 'ard. Make me a 'appy man, Nanette. 

Nan. 
O, Viggins, no, no ! 

Wig. 
W'y not? 

Nan. 

It spoil you. It take away ze grand air melancholy. It make you 

so inartistic. 

Wig. 

Hisn't it better to be 'appy than hartistic. 

Nan. 
Oh, nevaire — nevaire ! 

Wig. 
Blame it all ! I can manage to b-e 'appy and look miserable if that 

will 'elp matters. 

Nan. 
Oh, a thing not possible ! 

Wig. 
Yes, it is, and hi can prove it. 

Nan 
Vraiment ? 

Wig. 
I tell you 'ow. Just give me one little kiss. 

Nan. 
Oh, Viggins, how dare you ? 

Wig. 

Just a little make-believe one. Even that will render me the 
'appiest of men. But I'll look 'orrible while you're a doing of it. 

Nan. 
Oh, Viggins ! 

Wig. 
Just see if I won't. Come, now! 

Nan. 
Oh, Viggins, you make me such curiosity. I — I 

| She gives him tlie faintest little coquettish kiss, while lie 
assumes a profoundly wretched air. Enter Matchbang, C] 

Match. 
Hallo! What's this? 



24 

Nan. 
We rehearse, M'sieu, for ze entairetainment. 

Wig. 
Compliments from 'is ludship, and 'e will wait upon Mr. Match- 
bang shortly. 

Match. 
Thank you, Wiggins. 

Wig. 

Parding me. Thankin' of you, sir. [Exit L. 2.~\ 

Match. 
Where's your mistress, Nanette ? 

Nan. 
She sent me to look for M'sieu. She would speak wiz him at once. 

Match. 
Tell her I'm coming. [Exit Nanette, R. 2.] 

[Enter Hickory, C] 
Hick. 

Marse Job, de defective am comin'. 

Match. 

He must wait till I've seen Mrs. Matchbang. Keep him here, 

Hickory. I won't be long. [Exit R. 2.] 

Hick. 

Keep 'm heah ? How de debbil I do dat ef he won' stay ? 

[Enter Mc Duffer, C, made up as Signor Prof undo.'] 

McD. 
Ha, Pompey, where's the boss ? 

Hick. 
Be heah soon, sah. Tole me to keep yo' waitin'. 

McD. 

All right. How are things going with you, eh ? 

[Here follows business between Mc Duffer and Hickory, at end 
of which enters Matchbang, R. 2.] 

McD. 

(To Matchbang.) How d'ye? Wouldn't know me, would you? 
I'm your friend, Signor Profundo. Recollect, Profundo. Don't be 
astonished. Often have to do this. Why, I could change you into a 
river-pirate in ten minutes. How's Jiggers? 

Match. 
I have not the pleasure of Mr. Jiggers' acquaintance, sir. 

McD. 
Well, call him Farandole, just to please you. How is he? 



25 

Match. 
His lordship is as robust as usual, sir. Quite able to kick you out 
of the house, I should say. 

McD. 

Ha, ha ! Did it neatly, didn't he ? Oh, that's nothing — it often 
happens. You've no idea how often I've been kicked. 

Hick. 



Match. 



Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Hickory, leave the room. 

Hick. 
Yes, sah ! [Exit Hickory, C.~\ 

McD. 
That kick was a clew. 

Clew ? 



Match. 



McD. 
You've hit it. I've got my mail advices. {Takes voluminous papers 
from /u's pocket.) You'll see the point. {Rims rapidly over the papers.) 
Ah, here's the clew. {Reads.) " Jiggers is a powerful athlete. He is 
especially proficient in the Oxford twist." 

Match. 
Egad ! 

McD. 
That's a clew. The day he put me out of this house I'd take my 
affidavit he used the Oxford twist. 

Match. 
That is certainly what his lordship called it. 

McD. 
You've hit it. I hadn't the faintest notion what an Oxford twist 
was, but my instinct — the wonderful instinct of a detective — assured 

me of it. Thank you. 

Match. 
Confound it, sir — a mere coincidence. 

McD. 
Not much ! A clew — a clew ! Then there's a description of the 
Boodle diamonds — the numbers of the bank notes — and finally — listen ! 

Match. 
I won't listen, sir. I've heard enough. 

McD. 
No you haven't. {Reads.) " Jiggers will probably betray himself 
by his passion for dancing. He is an ex-music-hall star, and renowned 
for his performance of the Highland fling." Now, sir, if I can lay my 
hands on those diamonds, get a few of those bank notes, and see him 
dance, the job is done. You must give me the opportunity. 



26 

Match. 
What? 

McD. 

I will stay here this evening 

Match. 
Nothing of the sort ! 

McD. 
Or arrest him on suspicion. 

Match. 
(), Lord ! Must I submit to this? 

McD. 
Now look-y-here, Mr. Matchbang, I've dealt square with you. 
Lett you alone ten days — waiting for mail advices — done nothing but 
have him shadowed. 

Maich. 
What ! You've " shadowed " his lordship ? 

McD. 
You've hit it. That's been Black Dan's job. 

{Enter Dan, C.~] 
Hullo ! here's Dan himself. Got up regardless of expense. Let's 
see — we'll call him Mr. Rosewater. Dan, you're Rosewater. 

Dan. 
All right, cully. {To Matchbang.) How are you Guv'nor? Got a 
drink handy ? 

Match. 
I will not endure this. 

McD. 
Suppose I find the diamonds ? 



Match. 

McD. 
Match. 

McD. 
Match. 

McD. 



Bah ! 

And the bank notes ? 

Bosh! 

And the Highland fling ? 

Stuff and nonsense ! 

But suppose I do? 

Dan. 

Bet yer life he will. He's the stuff, he is. As for clews, he's a 
hustler from Hustlerville. 



27 

Match. 
In that impossible contingency I might begin to listen to you, 

but {Enter Farandole, L. 2.] 

Ah, my lord. 

McD. 
(To Matchbang.) Introduce me — Profundo. 

Match. 
( With effort, to Farandole.) I beg your pardon — (introductorily) — 

Mr. Profundo. 

McD. 
{Grasping Farandole s hand.) Glad to meet you. Never mind your 
name. I know you, my lord; I know you. 

Dan. 

(To Matchbang?) Just get onto him ! Ain't he a la-la? 

Match. 
A what, sir? 

Dan. 

(To Matchbang.) Introduce me, too — Rosewater. 

Match. 
(With yet greater effort, to Farandole.) And Mr. Rosewater. 

[Dan takes Farandole s hand.] 
Far. 
Delighted, I'm sure. 

McD. 
(Aside to Matchbang.) Just watch my society manners. Nothing 
a detective ain't up to. (To Farandole.) Having a good time? 

Far. 
Beg pardon ? 

McD. 
Enjoying yourself? Feeling bully? 

Far. 
Bully? 

McD. 

Yes, bully — tip-top— first-rate. 

Far. 
Oh, thanks; yes, I suppose I'm quite bully. 

[Enter Hickory, C. He goes to Matchbang, who has been 
jumping about as if on hot iron.] 

Hick. 
Gemman at de telephonum says when de market done close Union 
Specific wuz down free points, sah. Gemman wan's mo' margin, sah. 
Gemman won' let go de telephonum, 



28 

Match. 
Union Pacific ! Three points ! Good heavens — I must have a 
word or two with him. (To Hickory!) I'll come ! 

{Exit Hickory, C] 
(To Farandole.) You will excuse me? 

McD. 
Why, of course he will. Just leave me to entertain his lordship. 
I'll make things lively for him. 

Match. 
(Leading Me Duffer up.) For heaven's sake be careful ! 

McD. 
Go slow — go slow. Don't you see I've got my society style on? 
[Exit Matchbang, C. 'Me Duffer stands r( gar ding Faran- 
dole, who sits, C. F. Dan loafs about the room zvith a 
kodak, taking snap-shots of Farandole.'] 

Far. 
Surpwising fellows, these Amewicans; a fellow don't know 
whether to be angwy or to laugh — you know. But it's all wight, I 
dare say. 

\_Mc Duffer comes down, regards him fixedly. Farandole 
changes position ; McDuffer wheels in front of him. Far- 
andole again changes position ; McDuffer again commands 
view of him.'] 
O, I say, come now, why do you stare at a fellow so? 

McD. 

That's what we call mental photography. I've got you down fine, 

full face, but I'd like your profile. Suppose you turn your head 

sideways. 

Dan. 

(Aside — admiringly) He's a holy wonder. 

Far. 

Why — aw — weally 

McD. 

[Comes to him, turns his head so as to command profile 
view, regards him fixedly.] 
That'll do. 

Far. 

But I say, by Jove 

[McDuffer hurriedly takes papers from his pocket, runs his 
eye over them, puts them back again.] 



2 9 

McD. 
Fits to a T. {To Farandole.) That'll do, that'll do. Make your- 
self comfortable, my lord. Put up your feet and be sociable. 

[Pulls up chair, puts Farandole s feet up on it, sits down by 
him.'] 

Far. 
Aw — thanks awfully ; but, weally, would you mind if I took my 
feet down? Of course, if its the pwoper thing — the pwoper Amewi- 
can thing, I mean — to keep them up, 1 shall be charmed, you know '■> 
but, 'pon my word, I don't — aw — like it, you see. 

Dan. 

{To Farandole.) O, he knows what's right. 

McD. 
Down they go, then. 

[ Whisks chair aivay. Farandole spraivls a little, and re- 
gains a stiff sitting position.] 

Far. 
Thanks, awfully. 

Dan. 

{Aside to Mc Duffer.) Too darned polite, eh ? 

McD. 

{Coming to him.) Did you ever hear of mind-reading? 

Far. 
Mind-weading? 

McD. 
No — mind-rcadi/zg. 

Far. 
Can't say I ever did. 

McD. 

Well — one man looks another in the eye, and finds out just what 
he's thinking about. You look in my eyes. {Puts his face close to 
Farandole s.) What am I thinking of? 

Far. 

Haven't the wemotest idea. 

McD. 
That settles it. You're not a mind-reader. Now I'll look in your 

eye. (Does so.) 

Dan. 

{Aside) What a corker he is. O, my ! 

Far. 
(), I say — 1 don't fancy this sort of thing — you know. 



3° 

McD. 
Now I'll tell you what you're thinking. Listen ! You're thinking : 
" I've got some diamonds to sell." 

Far. 
{In real surprise,) By Jove ! 

McD. 

Your mother's jewels, eh ? 

Far. 

Oh, 1 say, now, Mr. — aw — Pwofundo, this is a vewy stwange piece 
of business, you know. Looking in a fellow's eye, and — aw — weading 
his thoughts like that, you know. {Rises, goes away from him.) 

McD. 
{Aside.) I've struck oil. {To Farandolci) Oh, that's nothing. 
Ninety-nine Americans out of a hundred can do that. Ask Rosewater. 
{To Dan.) Isn't it so? 

Dan. 
Bet yer life! 

F^R. 

Most amazing. For, weally, you know, I have a few — aw — dia- 
monds I should like to dispose of. 

McD. 

I'm your man. Confide in me. {Aside.) I've got him — I've got 

him. 

Far. 

And, 'pon my word, there's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. 
My dear mother, like the west of the family, is in vewy weduced cir- 
cumstances — aw — and she — aw — natuwally didn't like to sell the 
family jewels in England — so, you see, she asked me to bwing them 
to Amewica — and since you're in that — aw — line of business — why, 

perhaps 

McD. 
I'll save you further trouble about them diamonds. Rosewater's 
in the diamond business. 

Dan. 
I'm a jim-dandy on diamonds. See? {Striking a huge stone in Jiis 
shirt bosom.) 

[Enter Margaret, R. 2.] 
Far. 
Aw, Miss Margawet. 

McD. 
What ! The daughter of my old friend Matchbang ? {To Faran- 
ciole.) Excuse me a minute. 

Far. 
Certainly. [Goes up Li] 



3i 

McD. 
(To Margaret.) Now, Miss, I'm Aleck McDuffer, detective, alias 
Profundo. That fellow isn't a lord at all. He's a burglar, name of 
HiTirers. He's stolen diamonds, and calls himself a lord. Get him to 
confess, and earn the thanks of the municipal police. 

Marg. 

But, sir 

McD. 

Not a word. I'm going to your father to report progress. Hook 
your fish now. {To Farandole.) So long, my lord, so long. Rose- 
water, follow me. [Exit C] 

Dan. 

{To Margaret?) What he says goes. [Exit C?\ 

Far. 
That's a most extwaordinawy man, Miss Margawet. 

Marg. 
O, don't speak to me about him. {She bursts out crying?) 

Far. 
Oh, Miss Margawet ! 

[Enter R. 2. Mrs. Matchbang and Vestalia.] 

Mrs. M. 
What's the matter, Margaret? Crying? {To Farandole?) This 

is your doings, I suppose. 

Far. 
Most wemarkable ! 

Vest. 

Oh, of course — very remarkable. I suppose you never saw a 
girl with any feelings before. {Fiercely?) You're not among peer- 
esses here, sir. 

Mrs. M. 

This has gone far enough. I'll put a stop to it. My lord, you 
might as well know you can't have Margaret. She's engaged, with 
my consent, to Hamilton Jefferson. If Mr. Matchbang had seen fit 
to consult me it might have been different. As it is, I've made up 
my mind and put down my foot. There, my lord ! 

Far. 
'Pon my word ! 

Mrs. M. 
I never did approve of American girls marrying foreigners, any- 
how. It seldom turns out well. I hope you won't mind my plain 
speaking. 1 always free my mind of what's on it. Margaret, come 
along with me. 



32 

Marg. 
O, I've so much to tell you, mamma. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Matchbang and Marg., R. 2.\ 

Far. 
What a dweadful situation. 

Vest. 
It's all your own fault. {At this fresh attack Farandole throws his 
hands up in despair.) Why did you come bothering over here to 
marry a girl who was in love with somebody else ? 

Far. 
O, Miss Vestalia ! 

Vest. 

I suppose that' wouldn't make any difference to you. {Farandole 
goes up L. and stands so that J 'est alia does not see his face.) I suppose it's 
quite aristocratic and all that to marry a girl who loves another, but 
it isn't the fashion in this country yet, and you and Uncle Job ought 
to be ashamed of yourselves. {She pauses. Farandole remains immov- 
able,) Or, perhaps, it may be the fashion; but, thank goodness, the 
fashionable people are very few of us, after all. Only a hundred and 
fifty now — used to be four hundred — and growing fewer every day. 
{She pauses. He maintains his silent attitude?) Well, I've said my say, 
and I suppose I've dreadfully offended you — and — and Good- 
bye 1 [Going R.] 

Far. 
[Suddenly turns. Advances toivard her.] 

One moment, if you please, Miss Vestalia. {She turns and faces 
him.) I've listened to you like a fellow in a dweam. What you say 
comes on me like a shower bath. {She involuntarily smiles.) 1 can't 
talk like an Amewican man, but — won't you sit down ? {She sits.) 
These ideas about love never occurred to me before. 

Vest. 
So it seems. 

Far. 

Among us fellows — quite bad form, you know. 

Vest. 
Oh, is it ? 

Far. 

Yes. We get married to settle down, and pay our debts — and 

all that sort of thing. Weally, I thought everything was jolly and 

comfortable. Mr. Matchbang assured me Miss Margawet was agwee- 

able. 

Vest. 

Oh, how wicked of Uncle Job ! Oh, I'm so sorry ! 



33 

Far. 
I'm not. Not a bit. Yes, I am. I'm sorwy that you're sorwy. 

Vest. 
Oh, my lord ! 

Far. 
Gweat pity you haven't got a wich father, isn't it ? 

Vest. 
What do you mean ? (Half indignantly?) 

Far. 
I don't know. I'm mixed up. One moment Amewican notions 
buzz in my head, and the next moment — oh, I'm all mixed up. Miss 
Vestalia, you've floored me. I must go and have a smoke. 

Vest. 
A what? 

Far. 
A smoke. A cigawette will set me stwaight. 

{Enter Hamilton, C] 
Ham. 
O, excuse me. Do I intrude. 

Vest. 
Not at all. Lord Francis has just informed me that he is going to 
smoke. 

Far. 
Yes, quite so. I won't be long. Just a cigawette, you know. 

[Exit L. 2.] 
Ham. 
What's the matter? Anything wrong? 

Vest. 
O, no, no ! Everybody's mistaken — everything's all right. 

Ham. 
But Margaret ? 

Vest. 
There's no occasion to worry about her. 

[Enter C, Bella and Luella with grab-bag and balls.'] 

Bella. Lu. 
We've come for the game ! 

Ham. 
Game? What game ? 

Bella. 
Grab-bag ! 

Lu. 
We're all going to take part in it ! 



34 

Bella. 
Isn't it splendid? 

Lu. 
But where's Lord Francis ? 

Vest. 
Fled to tobacco. 

Bella. 
I declare, Vestalia, you're real mean. For the last week you've 
just monopolized his lordship. 

Lu. 
Yes, and you pretended you wouldn't have anything to do with 

him. 

Bella. 
Yes, she was to leave the field clear to us. And all the new 
dresses that I've laid in. 

Lu 
And the lovely smoking-cap I was working for him. 

Hamil. 
Give it to me. 

Lu. 
You, sir? You've been pre-empted. 

Bella. 
We can only take a very mild interest in you, now. 

Lu. 

Come, own up, Vestalia. You sent his lordship away because 

you heard us coming. 

Bella. 

Oh, Vestalia, you're jealous; you're jealous. 

Lu. 
The Lady Vestalia ! Won't it sound fine ? 

Bella. 
The Lady Vestalia Farandole ! 

[Bot/i girls curtsy to Vestalia with mock reverence^ 

Vest. 
You're wicked teases, and you're entirely wrong. There is noth- 
ing between Lord Francis and me. 

Lu. 
And you'll take good care that nothing shall come between 

you ; won't you, dear? 

Bella. 
Oh, Vestalia, confess, confess, and you shall have our full, free 
pardon. 



35 

Vest. 
There's nothing to confess, and you know it. (A little irritated?) 
Why don't you make arrangements for your game? 

Ham. 
What is this mysterious pastime ? 

Bella. 
Why, haven't you heard of grab-bag? 

Ham. 

No. 

Lu. 
It's just the loveliest fun ! Everybody plays at it. 

Bella. 
Old people, young people, married people, single people 

Lu. 

And engaged people 

Bella. 
Don't be personal, dear. 

Lu. 

And the servants 

Ham. 
Servants ? 

Bella. 

O, they sometimes make the most fun of all. 

Ham. 
My curiosity grows painful. 

Lu. 
Of course, you belong to the curious sex. 

Bella. 
And we to the slandered sex. There's more curiosity in one 

man 

Lu. 
Than in one hundred women. 

Bella. 
So we'll tell you nothing more. 

Ham. 
Vestalia, come to my help ; deliver me from these avenging furies. 

Vest. 
O, in such a question I'm on the other side. 

Lu. 
Shall we take pity on him ? 

Bella. 
Let us be merciful. 

Ham. 

Which means you'll explain grab-bag to me? 



36 

Lu. 
Yes. You shall penetrate the mystery. 

Bella. 
You see, here is a bag. 

Ham. 
Yes, I see. 

Lu. 
And it's full of little balls. 

Ham. 
Which I don't see. 

Bella. 
You'll see some of them later on to your discomfiture, perhaps. 

Lu. 

Each little ball has a name on it. 

Bella. 
The name of some great actor or singer, you know. 

Lu. 
Yes, Patti, Bernhardt, Salvini, etc. {Names varying according to 
the specialties to be performed?) Each person puts his or her hand in 

the bag and draws out a ball. 

Bella. 

And must at once give as correct an imitation as he or she can of 

the artist named on the ball. 

Ham. 

But suppose I should draw Patti ? 

Lu. 
You'd have to sing. 

Bella. 

And as much like her as possible. And if you should draw the 
American dancer, Amelia Glover — you'd have to dance. 

Lu. 
As much like her as possible. O, it's perfectly lovely. 

Ham. 

Well, I don't know — 

Bella. 

O, you'll find out; won't he, Luella? 

Lu. 
I hope he'll draw something just awful. 

Bella. 
But where is everybody ? It's time for the game. 

Lu. 
Vestalia has hidden his lordship. 



37 

Bella. 
And Margaret's run away. 

Lu. 
And Mr. Matchbang — {Matchbang and McDuffer arc heard in loud 

discussion outside). O, there he is, at any rate. 

| Matchbang and McDuffer enter C, followed by Hickory and 
Dan. Dan through the rest of the act obtrudes himself 
on the notice of the different characters."] 

McD. 
I tell you, it's conclusive ! 

Match. 
Silence ! Don't you sec the room is full ? 

[Enter Mrs. Matchbang and Margaret, R. 2, followed by 
Nanette^ 

Mrs. M. 
So, Mr. Matchbang ! A pretty story Margaret tells me ! You've 
harbored an impostor, have you ? Thought you had a lord, and find 
you have a burglar. {Everybody starts. Bella, Luclla and Nanette give 
a little scream.) All this comes of not taWng my advice, Mr. Match- 
bang. 

Vest. 
Lord Francis a burglar ? Nonsense. 

McD. 
That's just what he is, Miss, sure as I'm a detective. 

All 
{Except Matchbang, Mrs. M., Margaret, Hickory and Dan.) A de- 
tective ! 

McD. 
You've hit it ! 

Dan. 
Me, too. (Strikes attitude.) 

Match. 

But I tell you its all wrong ! It's a mistake ! 

Vest. 
Of course it is ! 

Bella. 
(), it must be ! 

Lu. 
Such a perfect gentleman ! 

Mrs. M. 

A nice mess you've got us into, Mr. Matchbang. A beautiful son- 
in-law you've imported from Europe. I hope this will teach you a 
lesson, Mr. Matchbang. Perhaps you will think me worthy of con- 
sulting after this. O, my nerves! my poor nerves! {To McDuffer.) 
Officer, do y mr duty. Arrest the man, and take him away at once. 



38 

McD. 

Men, Madame, not man. The valet is his pal. 

Nan. 
O, Viggins ! Viggins ! Nevaire ! 

Mrs. M. 
Well, take them both, instantly. 

McD. 
Quiet and easy, ma'am, I've no warrant yet. I'll have one in the 
morning. Let things go on quietly. What was the programme for 
this evening ? 

Mrs. M. 
Sir, we were to play grab-bag. It's out of the question now. 

McD. 
Not at all. Just the thing. Grab-bag in the evening, grab-man in 
the morning. 

Dan. 

{Admiringly?) No flies on him, eh? 

McD. 
Let the game go on. It's a capital opportunity for me. I shall be 
watching with my wonderful instinct. 

Dan. 
Me too. 

Match. 

Maria, pray don't make a disturbance. I'm sure these absurd sus- 
picions will be disproved. 

Vest. 
Undoubtedly ! 

Bella. Lu. 
Of course ! 

Mrs. M. 

Well, I will consent, for this evening. 

[Enter Farandole, L. 2., followed by Wiggins]. 

Far. 
Beg pardon. I've kept you waiting ? I'm ready for grab-bag. 

Bella. 
Come, come! Who will draw first? 

[The game of grab-bag follows. The last number is the 
dancing of the Highland fling by Farandole :] 



39 

McD. 
Holy Moses ! The last clew ! 

Match. 
What? 

McD. 
The Highland tiing ! 

[McDuffer joins Farandole in the dance, with pantomime 
expressive of arresting him.] 



[curtain.] 



ACT III. 



Scene — Lawn in front of Matchbang s house. A pretty rustic scene. Fa- 
cade of house R. f running up from R. I. Entrances from house R., 
from grooves at L., and from C. at back. Rustic seat for two people 
near C. F. 

Discovered Hickory, walking up and down as if looking for and 
expecting some person to arrive. 

Hick. 
Marse Job done set me heah to watch fo' de defective. Wants to 
see him beto' de Missus do, I reck'n. Missus kep' me sittin' up all 
night wid a shot-gun. 

{Enter Mat chbang from house R.~] 

Match. 
Well, Hickory, no signs of him yet? 

Hick. 
No, sah. 

Match. 

This is a dreadful business. 

Hick. 

Deed it am, Marse Job — jes drefful. 

Match. 
I'm clear worn out. Perhaps I can get a moment's peace out 
here. (Sinks on to seat C. Shrill sound of numerous female voices heard 
from house. Match bang jumps up despairingly^) They won't leave me 
alone ! 

{Enter from house, R. } Mrs. Matchbang, } r estalia, Margaret, 
Bella and Luella.] 

Mrs. M. 
So, Mr. Matchbang, nothing done yet ! Are we to enjoy the so- 
ciety of your criminal friends forever? I warn you my nerves are 
giving way, and just look at these poor, dear girls. 

Vest. 
Aunt, this is absurd. 

Mrs. M. 
Don't you dare to interrupt me, miss. Mr. Matclibang, why don't 
you answer me ? 



4i 

Match. 
My dear, I'm waiting for McDuffer. I want to arrange matters 
quietly — without scandal. 

Mrs. M. 

Oh, of course! You care nothing for me, or for the girls. You 
wouldn't mind us being murdered to avoid a scandal, I suppose ? 

Lu. 
I couldn't sleep a wink all night. 

Bella. 
I dreamed our throats were being cut. 

Lu. 
O, I'm so afraid. 

[Enter Hamilton, C] 
Ham. 
Hallo ! All safe and sound ? 

Match. 
Don't be an ass, sir ! You've got a coupe? 

Ham. 
Yes. 

Match. 
You've looked over the list? 

Ham. 
Yes. 

Match. 

Then drive like the devil. Go to every guest invited for to-night. 
Put them all off. Say I'm sick — say I'm dead ! I am, pretty near. 

Hamil. 
It's a delicate job. I could do it better as your son-in-law. 

Match. 
I don't care how you do it ! 

Hamil. 
Then it's agreed ? 

Match. 
Anything's agreed if you'll only stop this cursed ball. 

Hamil. 
Margaret, we'll ratify the treaty. 

{Margaret rims to him — they kiss.'] 

Match. 
Don't waste your time, sir ! 

Hamil. 
I'm off. [Exit C\ 

Match. 
Horrible ! My social reputation is at stake. Taken in by a burglar ! 
A Jiggers! 



42 

Mrs. M. 
Mr. Matchbang, it serves you right. 

[Enter Mc Duffer, made up as in First Act.'] 

McD. 
Ha ! Good morning. It's fixed — it's fixed. (Showing official docu- 
ment.) Order of arrest for Jiggers and the valet. 

Mrs. M. 
Thank goodness! What a load off my mind. 

\Tke girls, except Vestalia, murmur sympathetically.'] 

Vest. 
Uncle Job, will you permit this outrage in your own house ? 

Match. 
How the devil can I help it? If I only could ! It I only could ! 

Vest. 
I wish Lord Francis had left here. 

McD. 
O, I fixed that, Miss. 

Vest. 
What do you mean ? 

McD. 

The genius of a detective watches the smallest loopholes. I re- 
mained last night. After Lord Francis had gone to sleep I secured 
the diamonds, abstracted his visible clothing, locked his trunks and 

took away the keys. 

Match. 



You did ? 

I did. Clever, wasn't it? 

Then his lordship 

Has nothing to wear. 
O, this is too much ! 
Now to business. 



McD. 

Vest. 
McD. 
Vest. 
McD. 



Match. 

Not in my house. Think of the scandal ! Can't you wait till he 

leaves? And he shall leave. 

McD. 

Well, that might be arranged. But it would take money — for — 

hm ! — contingent expenses. 



43 

Match. 
I don't care what it takes. I'll give you — yes — I'll give you my 
check for five hundred dollars. 

McD. 
Checks don't go. (Matchbang starts indignantly.) Bills do. {Match- 
bang hurriedly takes out his pocket-book and counts off a few bills — hands 
them to McDuffer.) Done ! But you mustn't say a word to put him 
on his guard. 

Match. 
We wont. 

Mrs. M. 
Mr. Matchbang, 1 don't approve of this at all. 

McD. 

(Putting bills in his pocket?) This, Madame, is business. 

Mrs. M. 
So it seems, sir, for you. But 1 object to it. I want the man 
taken away at once. My nerves are being racked to pieces. You 
don't care, Mr. Matchbang, you gloat over my sufferings, I know. 
Your brutality may drive me to an early grave, but I will not keep 
silent. I will proclaim my wrongs while breath is left in me. 

Match. 
Maria, pray be reasonable. He can't be gotten away without his 
clothes, can he? 

McD. 
Sir, you have the true instinct. They shall be returned to him at 

once. 

[Farandole sticks his head out of house R.\ 

Far. 

I beg pardon. {All start. The girls smother a scream?) I thought 
I'd warn you that I'm not in quite corwect costume — {enters from 
house) — you see. [He is attired in a misfitting servant's suit.] 

I've been wobbed. {Coming dozen to C.) All my clothes are gone 
and all my trunks are locked. 1 had to borrow a suit of Wiggins. I 
suppose we'd better send for the police. 

McD. 

Don't have to. They're on the spot. {Striking his breast.) Aleck 

McDuffer, detective. 

Far. 
(Putting up his eyeglass.) How fortunate ! Seems to me we've 
met before. Can't wecollect where. (With indifference) 



44 

McD. 
Never mind that. I'll find your clothes inside of fifteen minutes. 
I'm a humper, I am. Leave it all to me. 

[Goes up C. } beckons off L.~\ 
Far. 
Delighted, I'm sure. 

McD. 
(Coming down C.) Now, Mr. Matchbang, keep your part of the 
contract and I'll keep mine. 

[Enter Dan, C] 
Here's Dan. He'll loaf around promiscuously, while I attend to 
his lordship's affairs. (Takes Dan up to house. Aside to Dan.) Keep 
your eye on the old man ; don't let him play us any tricks. 

Dan. 
I twig. 

[Exit Me Duffer, R., into house ; follozved by Hickory.'] 
Far. 
(Regarding Dan.) Why, its Rosewater. 

Dan. 
Right you are, pard. (Shakes hands with Farandole. Bows to Mrs. 
Matchbang.) Morning, ma'am. Same to you, young ladies. Don't 
you mind me. I'm never in the way. No objection to a smoke in 
the open air, I s'pose ? Good for bugs. 

[Sticks a cigar in his mouth and saunters about the stage.] 
Far. 
(Looking at Dan.) I'm more and more impwessed with the 
wemarkable things of thiscountwv. 

Match. 
(Eagerly.) You ought to see more ol it — much more of it. 
There's Niagara, and Chicago, and Salt Lake City, all very interest- 
ing places. You should see them. You must see them at once ! 

Far. 
You're so kind. 

Match. 

Not a minute must be lost. I'll go right out and see about tickets 
— say for to-night's train, eh ? Would to-night's train suit you ? 

Far. 
What an impulsive people you are! You're so kind in making 
arwangements for me that you forget your weception for to-night. 

Match. 
No, no ; the ball is put off. Yes, we had to put it off. There's — 
don't be frightened — there's a case of measles in the house. One of 
the servants. Malignant measles. 



45 

Marg. 
O, papa ! 

Vest. 
Uncle Job! 

Match. 

{To Farandole.) You might catch it. 

Far. 
Very annoying thing in a house — measles; but I've had 'em. I 

hope the ladies 

Match. 

No danger — not a bit of it ! But it's a peculiarity of the Ameri- 
can climate that a stranger always catches the measles, whether he's 
had them before or not. 

Far. 

Dweadfully kind to warn me; but I'm not a bit afweiid. 

Mrs. M. 
Mr. Matchbang, 1 must insist that you are simply making a fool 
of yourself and wasting precious time. 

Match. 
But, Maria— 

M^ M. 

Not another word ! My poor nerves are already so shattered 1 
can scarcely stand. Now hear me, Mr. Matchbang, I will not re-enter 
your house until this affair is settled — understand that, Mr. Match- 
bang. And now I leave you to your own devices. Girls, follow me- 
[Exeunt L. 2., Mrs. Matchbang and all the girls except 

Vest alia. ~] 

Match. 

(), Lord! O, Lord ! I wash my hands of it! {Takes Vestalia 

aside.) Try your hand at it. Get him out of the house — any way 

you can — or I shall do something dreadful. 

Vest. 
I will never — 

Match. 
Yes you will. Try — try — 

[ Exit R. into housed] 

Dan. 
Needs watching ! [Exit R. into house.'] 

Far. 
Miss Vestalia — I'm afwaid there's something wong. 

Vest. 
Something what? 



Far. 



Wong. 



4 6 

Vest. 
Oh, yes, yes. You're quite right. There is something very 
wrong. 

Far. 

If I can be of any service, you know, of course you can command 

me. 

Vest. 

Oh, but, Lord Francis, it concerns you. 

Far. 
No — weally ? 

Vest. 
Yes, indeed. If it were not so outrageous — if it were not that the 
mere repeating ol it would make me feel contemptible— 1 would tell 
you all. 

Far. 
Would you ? 

Vest. 
Yes, I would. And I've a great mind to do so, anyhow. 

Far. 
No— -please don't — for I can see it would bore you 

Vest. 
O, my lord ! 

Far. 
And then it might bore me. And, weally, Miss Vestalia, if 1 may 
venture to be so wude, I will confess to you that I have been bored a 
good bit to-day alweady. 

Vest. 
You have been treated shamefully. 

Far. 
O, no; that's putting it quite too strong. But what with the wob- 
berv of my clothes and one thing and another [Looking at his 

suit.) Beastly suit, isn't it ? 

Vest. 
It isn't very pretty. 

Far. 
I'm vewy fond of pwetty things— and I've been thinking of you 

ever since last night, you know. 

Vest. 
O, Lord Francis ! 

Far. 

Yaas. And I dweamt— yes I positively dweamt— of all you said 

to me. And if I hadn't dweamt so hard I might have caught that 

wobber. 

Vest. 

How I wish you had! O, how I wish you had ! 



y 



47 

Far. 
Miss Vestalia, I've wesolved to go home by the next steamer. 

Vest. 
Have you, my lord ? 

Far. 

And, if I may be so bold, 1 should particularly like to wetain your 
fwiendship, and your — aw — esteem. You have opened my eyes — yes 
you have — very wide, too — and- — aw — I wish I was a wich man. 

Vest. 
Indeed, so do I. 

Far. 

Thanks awfully. If I were, there is a vewy dear and lovely lady 
whom I should — aw — ask — aw — to go home with me. 

Vest. 
Is there? 

Far. 

Yaas. A lady whose image will always be pwinted on my heart — 
quite like a photogwaph, you know. Yaas, If I was a wich man I 
should say — aw — lots of nice things to her — yaas. I weally think I 
could become quite as eloquent as an Amewican man — and, 'pon my 
word, that's saying a good deal, for the Amewican men are most we- 
markable talkers. But as I'm only a poor devil, with nothing at all 
to live on, you know why I can't say any of these things; you see? 

Vest. 
Yes, I see. 

Far. 

I hope you're not offended, Miss Vestalia — of course you know 

what I mean, and all that — and, of course, you've got nothing to say 

to me. 

Vest. 

No — you are right — I have nothing to say — to Lord Francis 

Farandole. 

Far. 
No, of course not. 

Vest. 
Nothing at all. 

Far. 
I beg pardon — 

Vest. 

But if somebody else was to say what you have said — some young 
"American man" — whom I could call "Francis" — 

Far. 
Aw!— 

Vest. 
Or even " Frank " — ' 



4 8 

Far. 
Ton my word — 

Vest. 

I should have something to say. 

Far. 
Would you indeed ? 

Vest. 
O, lots. 

Far. 

Would it be impwoper for me to ask what you would be kind 
enough to say to that vewy happy person ? 

Vest. 
I should say, " Francis" — 

Far. 

O, you would say— /* Fwancis " — 

Vest. 

Or perhaps " Frank " 

Far. 
Weally ? 

Vest. 

Yes, I should say, " Frank, I am as poor as you are, but — I love 

you." 

Far. 

{Jumping up.) You would say that ? 

Vest. 

And I should say, " If you really care for me as much as I do for 

you, what nonsense it is to talk about poverty." Poverty, you know, 

doesn't count in America. 

Far. 

Most astounding ! {Sits again.) 

Vest. 
And I should say, " There are broad lands in the West where 
youth and courage can find plenty to do, and where love can build a 
home with honest labor." And, Lord Francis, I should know what 1 
was talking about, for I come from Kansas, and I hate all this folly 
about rank and money. 

Far. 

Miss Vestalia 

Vest. 

My lord 

Far. 

Don't you think you could — aw — call me Fwank? 

Vest. 
{Shyly) I guess I could — if I tried 



49 

Far. 
And could you — aw — imagine that the vewy fortunate fictitious 
person was — in fact — aw — myself ? 

Vest. 
Oh, it wouldn't take much imagination ! 

Far. 

(Joyfully) Vestalia! 

Vest. 
Frank! (They embrace.) And you really, really mean it. 

Far. 
I weally do. 

Vest. 
You'll go west? 

Far. 
Yaas. And, as I've heard some fellow say, we'll gwow up with 
the countwy. Singular expwession, 'pon my word. 

Vest. 
And you'll be a farmer? And raise corn? 

Far. 
O, yaas. I'll waise corn. 

Vest. 
And pigs? 

Far. 
O, yaas. I'm vewy partial to pork, particularly when it's woasted. 

Vest. 
O, you silly, silly fellow ! But, oh, Frank, how can I ? You don't 
know all the dreadful things I've said about aristocrats. 

Far. 
Have you ? 

Vest. 
Yes. But it isn't your fault that you're a lord, is it? 

Far. 
I certainly wasn't consulted about it. 

Vest. 
And after all it's no disgrace. 

Far. 
(Puzzled) Disgwace? 

Vest. 
And you can get naturalized and all that, can't you ? 

Far. 
O, yaas. Anything to oblige you, you know. 



5° 

Vest. 
And Uncle Job ! {Bursts into laughter, suddenly stops.) But O, dear 
me, I'd forgotten all about it. 0, Frank, it's horrible; but I'll tell you 
all. Don't look at me. {She rests her head on his shoulder as if about 
to speak with hidden face.) [Enter Mat eh bang, R.\ 

Match. 
Well, bless my soul, what does this mean ? 

Vest. 
{Starting away from Farandole.) O, uncle! 

Far. 
It — aw — means that Miss Vestalia has done me the vewy gweat 
honor to— aw — accept my hand. [Enter Dan from house, R.] 

Match. 
What ? 

Far. 

Quite so. And as we've nothing particular to live on, w&'.re going 

West, you know. 

Match. 
Heavens and earth ! 

Dan. 
{To Matchbang.) Look out! You'll bust a blood vessel. 

Far. 
Yaas. Miss Vestalia assures me it's quite the pwoper thing to do 
in this singular countwy — and no doubt you'll appwove the arwange- 

ment. 

Vest. 

And if you don't approve, Uncle, of course we shall be very sorry, 

but it can't be helped. 

Far. 

Just so. It can't be helped, you know. 

Match. 
Not another word ! Not another word ! 

( To Farandole.) 

You must leave my house — do you hear, sir? — at once — at once 

[Enter Mrs. Matchbang, Margaret, Bella and Ljiella, L. 2.] 

Far. 

Aw — with the gweatest of pleasure, when I can dwess, you see. 

Match. 

I don't care about your dress! I shouldn't care if you had nothing 

at all on 

Mrs. M. 

Job ! You forget yourself ! How dare you ? O, my nerves ! 

Margaret, tell Nanette to bring my smelling salts, or I shall faint on 

the spot. [Margaret runs into house, R.\ 



5* 

Match. 
O, Vestalia, you wicked, sinful girl ! 

Mrs. M. 
Gracious goodness ! What's the matter now ? 

Match. 
He's made love to your niece! 

Mrs. M. 
Oh, my nerves! my nerves! Mr. Matchbang, this is all your 
fault ! 

[Enter Margaret and Nanette from house R. Nanette runs 
to Mrs. Matchbang with smelling salts.] 
Vest. 
And your niece is proud and happy to say she has accepted Lord 
Francis. [All the girls in great commotion. Mrs. Matchbang screams^] 

Mrs. M. 
Mr. Matchbang, the girl is crazy. I don't blame her — it's all your 
fault. You have wrecked your family and ruined my peace of mind 
forever. [Enter McDuffer, R., from house.'] 

McD. 
{To Farandole.) You'll find your clothes in your room, and if you 
take my advice you'll go and dress yourself pretty quick. 

Far. 
You're dweadfully clever, I'm sure. Any twaces of the cwiminal? 

McD. 

I am on the criminal's track. You'd help me if you'd send your 

valet to me. 

Far. 

With pleasure, of course. I'll weturn at once. (Going R.) 

Vest. 

Oh, Frank, be careful ! 

Far. 

(Much puzzled.) Careful ? I'll twy to be, if you say so, of course. 

[Exit R. into house.] 
McD. 
Imperative orders from headquarters — daren't delay another 

minute. 

Vest. 

And you really mean to arrest Lord Francis? 

McD. 
And his valet. You've hit it. 

Nan. 

Viggins, Viggins ! You arrest Viggins! 



52 

Mrs. M. 
Nanette, how dare you ? 

Nan. 
O, Madame, pardon. II est mon fiance. O Viggins ! Viggins ! 

Mrs. M. 
Be thankful you've escaped in time, child, he's nothing but a 
common criminal. 

Nan. 
Viggins ! vviz ze grand air melancholy. O, impossible, Madame. 

Vest. 
(To McDnffer.) Can't you see it's all a horrid mistake ? That he 
really is Lord Francis Farandole? 

Nan. 
And, pardon, that he really is Viggins ? 

Bella. 
(To Luella.) O, they're both in love with them. 

McD. 
(To Vcstalia.) You'll come to your senses soon, Miss, and thank 
me for saving you from being the bride of Jiggers. 

Lu. 

( To Bella.) Isn't it dreadful ? 

[Enter Wiggins, R., from house -.] 

Wig. 
'Is ludship said as 'ow I was wanted. 

McD. 
You are, my man, wanted badly. You're a cool customer, ain't 

you? 

Wig. 
Cool, sir? 

McD. 

Cool's the word. You've got gall, haven't you ? 

Wig. 
Gall, sir ? 

Dan. 
Gall's the word. 

McD. 
You've hit it. Standing there like a waxwork figger of respecta- 
bility. Haven't you got a tongue? 

Wig. 
I 'ave a tongue, and you goads me into usin' it. 

McD. 
O, you're waking up, are you ? 



S3 

Wig. 
Yes, I ham. The nightmare is hover. For ten long days I 'ave 
in'aled the h'air of freedom. No man can in'ale that h'air and remain 
a menial. H'oblige me with your h'address. (Dan leers at him.) 
Your'n too. Wen my week's notice is h'up I'll call on you and punch 
your 'eads. That's wot I 'ave to say to you — beggin' everybody's 
parding. 

Mrs. M. 
Mercy on us ! The wretch wants to fight ! 

Nan. 
O Viggins, my hero ! [Enter Hamilton, C] 

Hamil. 
Well, the job is done. 

McD. 

No, it isn't. But if you'll wait a minute you'll see it done, and in 
elegant style, too. 

[Enter Farandole, R.,from house, in correct costume.'] 

Far. 
I've been pwetty quick, you see. 

Vest. 
{Running to him.) O, Frank. 

Far. 

Yes ; I've the most astounding cablegwam from my uncle. He's 

won a family lawsuit. That means that I shall be wich— monstwously 

wich. 

McD. 

{Admiringly.) Say, you are a slick one. You're finer than silk. 

Shake! (Grasps Far a ndolee hand admiringly.) Now I'll read a little 

document to you. {Takes document from his pocket) It's a warrant 

of arrest. 

[Enter Hickory hastily from house R. with letter, which he 

hands to Mc Duffer.] 

Dan. 

He'll be Inspector yet, bet yer life ! 

McD. 

From headquarters. {Opens letter, begins reading) 

Far. 
Fwobably about my wobber, you know. 

McD. 
(As if thunderstruck, sinks on to chair,) Holy Moses. (To Match- 
bang) Read it ! Read it ! 



54 

Match. 

{Taking letter, reading it.) Heavens! {Letter drops from his hand, 
Vestalia snatches it up, begins reading.) 

Mrs. M. 
What is it, Job? 

Match. 
Don't ask me ! Don't ask me ! I'm an ass ! Do you hear, 
Maria ? An ass ! 

Mrs. M 
You needn't tell me that, Mr. Matchbang. 

Marg. 
{Impatiently.) Vestalia, what is it ? 

Vest. 
It's all right, dear. O, read it out, Frank, read it out. {Hands 
letter to Farandole.) 

Far. 
What? Wead it out 'loud ? 

Vest. 
Yes, yes. 

Far. 

{Reads letter.) " Cablegwam just weceived announces the arrest of 
Jiggers and accomplice at Bristol. They never left England. We- 
turn warwant to this office at once." 

McD. 
What do you think of that ? 

Dan. 
Sold again ! 

Far. 

{Turning letter over.) There seems to be a postscwipt — a pwivate 

memowandum. It weads, " The Chief says you're a — a — d — d fool. 

Look out for squalls." 

McD. 

Holy Moses ! {Jumping up.) I'm off! 

Match. 

Hold on ! How about my five hundred dollars? 

McD. 

That trifling sum is all that's left to recompense the wonderful 

instinct of a detective ! 



[CURTAIN.] 



sons for use 



— IN — 



"A SOCIETY FAD." 



11 WHA T THEY EXPECT OF A GIRL IN HER TEENS." 

(For from one to five singers.) 
Note for Musician — First ten lines of each stanza in one-two time, last six in waltz time. 

I. 

O, I'm the girl from Boston town, 

I'm full of modern culture, 
I study, in a student's gown, 

The structure of the vulture, 
The way that Ibsen writes his plays, 

The meaning of dear Browning, 
I frown on fun and frolic ways, 

I much object to clowning ; 
When young men come a-courting me 
I say with prim propriety, — 

" Will you yearn for the mystical, 
Spurn the sophistical, 
All on a diet of water and beans? 
If so you may choose me, 
If not you must lose me " — 
They expect it in Boston of girls in their teens. 



II. 



O, I'm the girl from way down South, 

I dream of love's devotion; 
I long to hear from some dear mouth 

Fond words of deep emotion, 
I dote on gallant feats of arms, 

I just adore the navy, 
A colonel all my fancy charms 
To rapture wild and wavy ; 
When young men come a-courting me 
I say with tender ecstacy, — 

" Will you love me intensely, dear, 
Wholly, immensely, dear, 
Faithful as knights of old were ta their queens ? 
If so, you may choose me, 
If not you must lose me " — 
They expect it down south of a girl in her teens. 



ill. 



(), I'm the maiden from the slope, 

A damsel most romantic, 
Whene'er I wed I shall elope, 

The humdrum drives me frantic ; 
Brunette, petite, and last, not least, 

A touch of blood Castilian ; 
Just wait until I visit East, 

When Pa has made his million. 
When young men come a-courting me 
I say with proper dignity, — 

" Will you mingle the magical, 
Comical, tragical, 
Like an adventurous shifter of scenes? 
If so you may choose me, 
If not you must lose me " — 
They expect it in 'Frisco of girls in their teens. 



IV. 



O, I'm the maiden from New York, 

In fashion's highest feather ; 
I take my daily English walk 

In home or London weather ; 
I like a college foot-ball game, 
The dear boys are so hearty ; 
I never yet found dancing tame, 

I love a theatre party. 
When young men come a-courting mc 
I say, with sweetest modesty, — 

" Will you enter on marriage, sir, 
Keeping a carriage, sir ? 
Love in a cottage his harvest soon gleans — 
If so you may choose me, 
If not you must lose me " — 
They expect it in Gotham of girls in their teens. 



O, I'm the maiden from the West, 

A child of sense and reason, 
I always want the very best, 

I'm never out of season, 
By winter fires in prairie homes 

1 heard the sweet old story, 
And when the summer circus comes 

I bloom in all my glory; 
When young men come a-courting me 
I say, with laughter frank and free,— 
" Will you stick to the practical, 
Matter-of-factical, 
Grow with the country and husband your means ? 
If so you may choose me, 
If not you must lose me " — 
They expect it out West of a girl in her teens. 



CHORUS. 

{For use if sung by more than one voice.') 

When young men come a-courting us •» 

We sometimes are magnanimous ; 

Then we listen so willingly, 

Smiling so killingly, 
Soon a fair head on a broad shoulder leans, 

They can't help but choose us, 

They never shall lose us — 
They expect it in all lands of girls in their teens. 



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